Why Do Men Have Affairs? 9 Reasons Men Cheat on Their Wives

Infidelity and affairs affect many marriages; around forty percent of divorces in the United States are because of infidelity. This infidelity may be physical, or it may be an emotional affair. With the ubiquity of social media and our constant connectivity through our mobile devices, emotional affairs have become easier to conduct.

A few years ago, a huge scandal occurred when the data from an affair website was exposed, and married men from all walks of life, from pastors to businesspeople, were exposed as loyal customers.

While physical relationships involving sex are what people commonly refer to when they talk about “affairs,” emotional affairs where the two people may not even touch one another but direct emotional energy towards each other (not to mention explicit messages, video calls, and more) can be just as devastating, if not more so.

The emotional investment made in an emotional affair usually precedes and physical relationship, and it is no less infidelity and a breach of trust than a physical affair. During the pandemic and lockdown, the use of affair and dating websites, along with pornography, by men in committed relationships increased, with thousands of people signing up each day, and millions making use of personalized pornography (private chat rooms or shows).

People are people, and anyone is capable of infidelity. While this is true, it is also true that studies conducted on infidelity all show that men are more likely to have affairs than women. Around twenty percent of men are unfaithful to their spouses, while around thirteen percent of women are unfaithful to their spouses, though these figures reflect those that have come forward to take part in these studies and reports.

One likely reason for this is that men are less likely to think of extramarital sex as wrong, at least when they are the ones doing it. Social attitudes toward male sexuality and indiscretions may make it more permissible for men to cheat than for women, though that has been changing for a while now.

There are many reasons why people, including men, cheat. Ultimately, cheating on one’s spouse is a choice, regardless of the circumstances, and one needs to take responsibility for their choices and their consequences.

Reasons Men Cheat On Their Wives

Below are nine reasons men cheat on their spouses:

1. Looking for love through sex

Men tend to express love physically, and sex is one of the ways they can communicate love and intimacy with their partner. When sex is a primary love language for men and their sexual advances are rebuffed by their partner, they may understand it as being “unloved.”

It is common for the insecurity generated by sexual rejection to lead a man toward infidelity to fulfill not only the physical desire for sex but the emotional need for validation and connection.

2. Boredom

As crass as it may sound, sometimes men have affairs because of boredom. Stable marriages are often that way because they are dependable and thus predictable. An affair offers the thrill and mystique of the unknown – you don’t know if you’ll be discovered, or when you can see one another again.

Stolen kisses, furtive glances, and fumbling in the dark like teenagers may seem to be adventurous and offer a sense of danger and excitement that married life doesn’t offer. Sometimes the pursuit of the forbidden for its own sake holds an allure for men, as it does for many people.

3. Mental health and other conditions

Mental health and other issues may be a factor in affairs. Conditions such as bipolar disorder may be a cause of hypersexuality, and some treatments for conditions such as Parkinson’s may also lead to hypersexuality, which may seed the ground for an affair.

4. Opportunity presents itself

Sometimes affairs happen because the opportunity to have an affair and not get caught presents itself. Whether it’s a weekend when the man or his spouse is away, or when a couple is separated for a while due to a business trip or foreign service, opportunities for infidelity may present themselves.

Additionally, with constant access to technology, opportunities for carrying on clandestine affairs have multiplied, and many men have chosen to take those opportunities.

5. Revenge

Another reason men cheat is to get revenge on their spouses. Both men and women cheat, and in this instance, his wife may have had an affair first, and he decides to also have an affair as revenge. In other situations, the man may feel slighted for some other reason and decides to enact his revenge by having sex with someone else.

6. Lack of commitment

Affairs also happen due to a lack of commitment on the part of men. Some people have low regard for monogamy, and so infidelity to them isn’t a big deal. If an opportunity arises for infidelity, they take it. Or they may actively pursue and create opportunities for an affair. If a person doesn’t think extramarital sex is a big deal, then they are more likely to engage in it and not feel that it’s wrong.

7. Narcissistic personality disorders

Issues such as narcissistic personality disorders may lead a man to have affairs as a way of asserting their ego and fulfilling their sense of self-entitlement. Individuals such as this will lack empathy toward others, and so they don’t see what is wrong with their behavior, while also minimizing or dismissing the pain their actions cause others.

So, when their spouse is hurt because of the affair, a person with a narcissistic personality disorder simply may not feel that pain or desist in their behavior on that count. That makes it difficult for their spouse to feel heard or valued in the relationship.

8. Unmet needs, like attention

People commonly say that affairs happen because something is lacking in the primary relationship. This isn’t strictly true, as the above and the following may show. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage without issues, and yet not everyone has an affair. We must look deeper.

In saying that, it can’t be denied that people have affairs because of unmet needs, like sex. Other needs that a man may seek to meet include the desire for attention and the desire to feel significant. It often happens that when a new baby arrives, the emotional energy of the mother shifts and centers on taking care of this new life. And rightly so.

For some men, this shift in attention and lack of focus on their needs may draw them toward someone else with the ability to meet that need, so it isn’t uncommon to hear of men having affairs soon after new children are born and welcomed into the family.

9. Identity crisis

People undergo shifts in their identity when they are trying to figure themselves out. This can happen at various points in a man’s life – when his child is born, if he loses his job or an important opportunity is lost, when he starts to feel old, or his children begin to leave the nest.

In these moments, several things may happen, including getting nostalgic or wistful about the things he has not done in his life, or a different path he may have taken in life. Some men may feel they’ve “played it safe” all their lives, and an affair is one way for them to explore possibilities and discover aspects of themselves.

The desire for self-discovery is a powerful one, even though it may sound juvenile and self-indulgent. Other men may wonder what their lives might have been, and they reconnect with an old flame, via social media, with disastrous results. Pursuing this “path not taken” is also another powerful impulse that may draw men into an affair.

Before the age of thirty, men and women seem to cheat at the same rates, but men become more likely to stray in mid-life and later life as well. It’s not surprising to hear that a man having a mid-life crisis decided to have an affair with a woman half his age. The struggles that come with shifting identities and new uncertainties may draw some men into an affair to explore aspects of themselves or “make up for lost time.”

It must be reiterated that people are responsible for the choices they make and their consequences. Additionally, there is a difference between trying to understand why people cheat and justifying infidelity. Infidelity involves the betrayal of vows, trust, and the sanctity of marriage.

Christian Counseling for Infidelity Recovery

Though the reasons men cheat are myriad and vary in complexity, at the end of the day, all of them are flimsy and mere excuses for sinful behavior. To understand someone’s actions and motivations, we must explore every motive.

Asking the questions that seek to unearth the reasons men cheat, what they were hoping to accomplish by cheating, and why they felt it was okay may generate a fruitful conversation that not only helps them to understand themselves but also helps the couple to reckon with their relationship.

Sometimes infidelity is about the cheating spouse and their restlessness, and at other times it’s about the dynamic within the relationship. Looking at all possibilities will be helpful for accountability and if the couple wishes to strengthen their relationship after infidelity.