There are no two relationships that are exactly alike. Each relationship, because it’s a blend of two unique persons, is its own thing and tends to have a personality of its own. There are some things that every relationship has in common, and one of those is the need for good communication. What ‘good communication’ looks like may vary in the specifics of each relationship, but it is the lifeblood of a healthy, flourishing relationship.
What communication is and isn’t.
It’s important to talk about communication because there are so many misconceptions about it. These can hinder a relationship and prevent it from reaching its highest potential. Communication, and in particular good communication, is made up of certain things, and it’s good to know what it is and what it isn’t.
Communication isn’t about the volume of words directed at the other person. You can speak or text sparingly and still have a deep mutual understanding. Some people communicate at a surface level; they may express their intentions, but not express what fuels those intentions.
Communication is about articulating your thoughts, needs, desires, dreams, fears, or even your deepest self to another person in a way they can understand, and it is about hearing them and letting them know that they are seen and heard.
A good part of communication is listening to what the other person is saying. That’s how you respond meaningfully to their cues, to the felt need that lies beneath the expressed need, and to the things that words don’t always convey.
That is why little things like giving a person your undivided attention, giving them eye contact, not interrupting them, or jumping to conclusions are a huge part of what makes for effective listening and communication.
Why communication matters in a relationship.
Good communication in a relationship is a huge deal. But why is this the case? There are several things that great communication allows you to do in a relationship that can’t be achieved in other ways. Some of why communication matters in a relationship include:
Letting your needs be known.
Your partner isn’t a mind-reader. Despite what you might hope or expect, your partner can’t (always) tell what you’re thinking or what you want. It’s unreasonable to expect them to respond to unexpressed needs, and when they know your needs, they can move toward you in love to meet those needs.
Without good communication, needs go unexpressed, or they are expressed in coercive ways that undermine the health and intimacy of the relationship.
Laying out expectations and setting boundaries.
Everyone has boundaries, and those boundaries are necessary for a healthy relationship. Healthy boundaries let you know how best to love each other and respect each other’s individuality.
Communicating those boundaries is vital for the health of your relationship, whether that boundary relates to money, how you spend your time, physical intimacy, how you deal with social media, and so on.
When those boundaries are violated, being able to express that and then go through the process of reconfiguring or reasserting those boundaries is the work of communication as well.
Resolve conflict well.
Each relationship eventually must reckon with conflict. The presence of conflict in your relationship doesn’t mean there’s something wrong; conflict happens. However, what matters is how you handle that conflict.
Can you express your needs and wants without trying to manipulate the other person, and can you compromise with one another to move forward together? Good communication allows you to work through conflict well, without resorting to character assassination or prolonging the conflict unnecessarily.
Developing good communication for a healthy relationship.
You might be in a situation where the communication in your relationship isn’t great at the moment. Maybe you’ve stopped talking because of trust issues, and you struggle with being vulnerable with one another.
Perhaps you may be struggling with anger, and you find that gets in the way of expressing yourself calmly or in a way that doesn’t shut down a conversation. Your situation may be that you don’t have the vocabulary to express your emotions well.
Whatever your situation is, you don’t have to walk alone. Communication is difficult for people in different ways, and there is a learning curve to becoming a better or more effective communicator.
Through Christian couples counseling, for instance, you can learn how to be a better listener through doing exercises and understanding what good communication is and isn’t. Your counselor can help you grow in your ability to handle conflict, understand your own emotions and be better able to express them, and bring strong emotions like anger under control so they don’t hijack your conversation.
If you want better communication for a healthier, more vulnerable, and open relationship, reach out to a Christian counselor today to start learning to become a better communicator.
“Couple and Dog”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License; “Happy Couple”, Courtesy of Getty Images, Unsplash.com, Unsplash+ License
- Jennifer Kooshian: Author
Jennifer Kooshian lives in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan with her husband of 32 years on a small homestead near Lake Superior. They have five adult children and one grandson. She also has an ever-changing number of chickens, a mellow old cat, and a...
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