The Definition of a True Friend

You met in the sandbox when you were two, and ever since you’ve been inseparable. Or you met just last week at a game, and you hit it off immediately. Perhaps you met online on the comment thread of your favorite author, and since then you’ve never looked back.

Having genuine friendships is not something that everyone has had a taste of. In our age of social media where friendships and connections are formed through the hasty click of a button even while you try to recall where you met this person who sent you a friend request, the concept of friendship isn’t one we spend much time thinking or talking about.

We know that we appreciate having good friends, but what is a true friend? Would we know what a true friend was if we saw one? How do we form genuine friendships that go beyond the superficial things in life?

The other challenge for us is also that while we want to have true friends, we may not be willing to do the things or be the kind of person that is a true friend to others. In other words, having true friends is great, but being a true friend to someone is a rare gift that we can give to others.

How to Define a True Friend

How would we define a true friend? Below are a few ideas of what a genuine friend looks like.

You genuinely share interests in common.

One mark of people that are true friends is that they share at least one interest in common. Some of the deepest and most meaningful friendships are formed because two people meet one another and discover that they share the same passion about something.

C.S. Lewis spoke about the idea of friendship as finding a fellow traveler on a journey that’s going the same way as you. You may have thought you were alone but are caught by surprise when you find another person who shares the same interest. The interest can be anything, from sports, a love of children, an author or genre of literature, barbecue, construction, a certain television show, or anything else under the sun.

The idea is that there is something outside of yourself you care about and have an interest in, and the other person has a similar interest. The friendship may be anchored in this common interest, but it certainly goes deeper than that, and you’ll see below. Sharing a common interest with someone is great, but if all your conversations are around that one thing, your relationship is limited.

In other words, if we picture a true friendship as a big oak tree, that relationship has roots that nourish it, but it also has branches and fruit too. All root without branches and leaves makes for a poor tree. Or if a true friendship is like a car, a common interest can be the engine, but you need more than that to make a car.

They speak the truth in love to you.

A true friend is the sort of person who will speak the truth in love to you. The reality about us is that while we may be great people, none of us is perfect, and we occasionally need to be reminded of what is right and true. We need people around us who tell us the truth, but who do so with emotional awareness and sensitivity.

Sometimes, we need to be corrected. At other times we may need encouragement and firm reminders about who we are, and the gifts God has given us in case we are tempted to let them lie fallow.

In other words, the definition of a true friend is someone who sees the God-given potential you possess, and they challenge you to become the person God intended you to be. They challenge you to be faithful to your spouse or other commitments and to invest yourself in the things that yield life and blessing instead of harm.

Speaking truthfully to one another implies being vulnerable toward one another and sharing about your lives. In other words, a true friend is someone you allow into your life, and they allow you into theirs.

This is often a hard step because past hurts or betrayals tend to leave us closed off and unwilling to be vulnerable toward someone else. To be and have a true friend, you must be willing to take the risk of being open and available to someone else.

They don’t get you involved in foolishness.

Some people are trifling and get involved in all manner of foolishness. This can take the form of shady and illegal business, or other poor personal life choices. If you have a friend who draws you into their foolishness and ends up compromising you, that may not be a true friend, especially if they compromise you along the way.

The reality is that none of us is perfect – we don’t always make the right choices, and our friends will step in to help us out. There is a big difference between this, however, and a friend who makes poor choices and then implicates you in them or in covering them up. The kind of friend who has an affair and asks you to cover for them with their spouse.

The kind who commits a crime and asks you to be their alibi. A friend who comes to work drunk more than once and asks you to do their work for them and cover with your boss. The kind of friend, in other words, who expects you to be part of their clean-up crew.

Constantly covering for someone and shielding them from the consequences of their actions or expecting someone to cover for you – that is not the definition of a true friend. That’s a sign of a dysfunctional relationship.

They don’t gossip about you.

A true friend tells you straight up when you’ve messed up because they care for you and your well-being. They know things about you because you’ve been vulnerable with them. A true friend doesn’t take the things they know about you that aren’t in the public domain and tell other people.

They stand up for you and don’t gossip about you or leverage what they know against you. (In saying this, it’s helpful to state that if a friend is concerned about you and the harmful choices you’re making, and they’ve given you many opportunities to address the issues, it’s not gossip or leveraging information against you for them to seek help or involve others.

I have in mind here things like if someone is struggling with substance abuse or addiction that causes harm to them and their loved ones. Calling for intervention is something that is for you and not leveled against you and your best interests. A true friend may cause you pain in the short-term, but long-term they are aiming for your good.)

They are willing to go the extra mile for you.

A true friend is someone willing to make sacrifices and go the extra mile for you. They don’t do it because they want to earn your approval or because they have a misplaced need to sacrifice themselves and make other people happy. Instead, they go the extra mile out of love and a deep sense of service.

They know that it is more blessed to give than to receive, and they wade in where they need to. In a true friendship, this willingness to go the extra mile goes both ways – in other words, it’s not just one person willing to sacrifice themselves while the other simply receive it. True friends are willing to go to the mat for one another.

Examples of True Friendship

Jonathan and David are one huge example of a true friendship in the Bible. Jonathan’s father was King Saul, and David was the one who was going to take over as king. This is something that should have caused a clear division between David and Jonathan, but their friendship was cemented in their love of God and one another.

Neither had ambitions for the throne, and they looked out for one another, which caused enough grief to Saul and danger to Jonathan. Even when Jonathan died in battle and David became king, David looked after Jonathan’s family. You can find the first part of their story in the book of 1 Samuel 14 -20.

Jesus is commended to us as the greatest and truest of friends. he is the very definition of a true friend. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” reads John 15:13. Jesus was willing to die for us to rescue us from the snare of sin and the jaws of death. He not only told us the true condition of our lives before God, but he was willing to wade in to help and provide us a way out.

An example of a group of true friends is the Inklings, the circle of friends which included J.R.R. Tolkien, Charles Williams, and C.S. Lewis, among others. Their love of literature forged close bonds that lasted and has helped produce like-minded circles across the world.

Conclusion

Having a true friend in your life is a blessing. However, we also must be the sort of people who appreciate what a true friend is and does. Being told the truth and being held accountable aren’t easy, and we may distance ourselves from the truthtellers in our lives because they make us uncomfortable. Far better than having a loyal friend is being a true friend to someone – that is a rare gift of great worth.