Premarital Counseling: Learning to Leave and Unite

Getting married soon? If you’re in the wedding planning process, read this article to find out why premarital counseling is so important.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24

These wonderful words from Genesis perfectly encapsulated what is supposed to happen in marriage. The imagery of leaving one’s family and uniting to one’s spouse is quite extreme. It seems to be the opposite of what is expected from a healthy marriage in the world today. Family is marked by sticking together and getting along.

What does it mean to leave your family? And what does it mean to be united? That is some strong imagery. What is the Bible telling couples to do when they leave and unite and how do you do it well?

First, it requires a leaving in the sense of separation. While the bonds of family are profound and beautiful, they are not meant to remain the same as a couple enters into marriage. To fully be united, the couple will need to separate physically, emotionally, and financially from their family of origin.

Second, this separation leads to joining together. This joining of the husband and wife is a coming together in loving support of one another to fulfill the roles their families once had played. While this process can sound quite simple, the experience is often much more difficult. Christian Premarital counseling can help you leave and unite properly.

A Biblical Basis for Premarital Counseling

Failing to leave and unite well can have serious consequences. If you do not separate from family, then you risk old patterns interrupting and damaging your new family. And if you leave and unite too firmly then you risk a toxic family of origin damaging your family from a distance.

Leaving and uniting have everything to do with extended family which is one of the most volatile aspects of a relationship. So, doing this well will strengthen and preserve your relationship.

If you do not deal with this early on in your marriage, then you risk serious consequences like divorce. And Jesus is abundantly clear on what God thinks about divorce in Mark 10.

‘Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So, they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. – Mark 10:7-9

This is why premarital counseling is so important. It creates a space for couples to have serious conversations about their family, relationships, and what it will mean to make a new family.

By having these conversations early on, couples can become united even before they step into marriage. While it sometimes feels easier to avoid difficult topics, like dealing with extended family, the risk of not addressing the issues is too high. Here are two ways that failing to leave and unite can damage your marriage.

The Dangers of Not Leaving and Uniting

Not Leaving and Uniting Enough

While the path of least resistance often feels the safest, it rarely is. Marriage is no different. Since this option feels the safest, it is the more common of the two responses to marriage.

By not leaving and uniting enough, couples bring relationships with their family of origin into marriage unchanged. It is good to be in relationships with your family, but marriage changes the nature of how you will relate.

Before getting married, your family played a more influential role in your life. Whether you are a young college student or an established adult, your family will play a more substantial role in supporting you emotionally and financially in this time of life.

For example, you will likely spend most holidays with your family before marriage. The holidays are a time for being with family and before marriage, this will mean spend most if not all your holidays with your family of origin.

However, as you enter marriage, this will change for several reasons. First, you will have to split the time between families. Second, you will be hosting your own celebrations as your nuclear family grows. Third, when you do visit your family of origin, you no longer visit as a single person, but as a family.

This is where tension occurs for many. They understand the idea of not seeing family as much or that they will host their own celebrations at times, but they struggle to understand that they no longer will relate to their parents in the same way.

Leaving and uniting require you to join to your spouse, becoming one. In this, you no longer will relate to your family of origin the same way because you are no longer their same son or daughter. You are now a part of a new family with its own set of values.

If you continue to live under the values of your family of origin, then you will constantly find yourself in tension with their values. For this reason, it is necessary for you to leave, creating healthy emotional and relational boundaries, to unite to your spouse, and create a new family with new values.

Leaving Too Much

On the other hand, there is the possibility of cutting off your family completely and this is equally unhelpful. This usually happens when either you or your spouse come from a toxic family of origin. No family is without its flaws, but a toxic family of origin is one that consistently damages you, your spouse, and your new family.

If you are dealing with a toxic family of origin, it may be tempting to completely disconnect from the relationships to preserve your own health. And this may be necessary for a season, but for the long-term health of you and your spouse, you will need to address the issues and set appropriate boundaries.

It might seem like the easier and better choice is to just disconnect, but the unresolved issues will be a heavy burden, and disconnecting completely from your family of origin is difficult no matter how dysfunctional they are.

Instead of completely shutting off, it will be important to work together to draw up realistic and healthy boundaries of how you will relate to your family as a couple. This will by no means be easy, but it will benefit you moving forward.

By creating a healthy set of boundaries, you will accomplish several things. First, you will remain distinct from the toxic family patterns while remaining in relationship. Second, you will make your spouse and your new family the priority while dealing with your extended family. And third, you will preserve some level of relationship with your family without cutting off completely.

Conclusion

Learning to leave and unite well is one of the primary goals of premarital counseling. While it is tempting to imagine that everything in your future marriage will go perfectly, that’s naïve thinking that puts your marriage in danger.

It is better to have a real, meaningful, hard discussion early in the process. By doing so, you and your spouse will step into marriage unified. Leaving and uniting is by no means an easy process, but it is biblical and necessary. Doing it will seriously benefit you and your future marriage.

If you are interested in starting premarital counseling, reach out to a counselor today. You will not regret learning how to leave and unite well.