It Takes Time: Understanding the Grieving Process

The loss of someone near and dear to you can be a severe blow that’s hard to recover from. Because God created us in His image, we gravitate toward forming meaningful relationships with others. Part of what makes those relationships meaningful are the experiences we share with people, and the emotional bonds we forge with them.

Emotional attachment to people means that when that connection is broken, it hurts. And the more attached we are to them, the more painful it is and the deeper the wound left by their absence. All too often, death or other forms of relational breakdown interrupt relationships, and we are left having to deal with the aftermath. One such way to deal with loss is through grief, and many cultures have ways to begin processing the loss and mourning loved ones.

Grief is the intense emotional pain we feel in the wake of losing a loved one. It is a natural response, and allowing it to run its course can help us work through the experience. Understanding what the grieving process is and how it works can help you come to grips with what you’re going through, why you feel and act the way you do, and it can inform you how to be present for others when they are going through grief. At Beverly Hills Christian Counseling, we offer compassionate, faith-based guidance to help you navigate grief with hope, healing, and the comfort of God’s presence.

Stages of the Grieving Process

What is the point in understanding how the grieving process works? When you are deep in your sorrow, it can upend your life and it may feel as though it’s going to swallow you whole. It may set your heart and mind at ease to simply know that other people have gone through what you’re going through.

Knowing that grief will take you through emotions such as numbness and anger will help you not be surprised when you experience those emotions. Normalizing and appreciating the grieving process will help you to focus on your journey of healing and give yourself grace as you go through it. If the people around you also understand how grief works, they can walk the journey with you with empathy.

The first thing to understand about grief is that it is a process, and it often unfolds in stages. One of the better-known theories about how grief works was developed by the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. Her five-stage theory on grief was described in her book On Death and Dying.

While it was initially created to address individuals who were ill, these stages of grief that she lays out have been adapted for other experiences of loss. The five stages of grief as she outlined them are as follows:

Denial. “This can’t be happening to me! I’m not going to talk about this. I’d rather be alone.”

Anger. “What have I done to deserve this? Why is this happening to me?” Often this anger is directed outward at others, including even the loved one: “How could you do this to me? Why did you leave me?”

Bargaining. In this stage, one may hold an irrational hope that they can change something that’s unchangeable: “If I do this, maybe I can make it go away. Maybe I can make him/her take me back if I just say or do this.”

Depression. A deep sadness can descend on a person that’s grieving. Their life is colored by their loss and the sadness emanating from it; all joy in activities they used to enjoy is lost. “I can’t do this. I can’t go on and I give up. Nothing really matters anymore.”

Acceptance. In this stage, the person acknowledges the situation and the changes it’s brought. “I am willing to accept this new reality.”

Not everyone will go through all five stages of grief, and one doesn’t necessarily experience them in a predetermined or straightforward order. Some people may begin their grieving process at the bargaining stage, then get angry and proceed into the depression phase. A person may linger for months in one of the five stages but skip the others altogether.

The Kübler-Ross model of understanding the grieving process has been expanded to seven stages instead of the original five. These seven stages are laid out below:

Shock and denial. The person is in a state of disbelief and their feelings are numb.

Pain and guilt. You may feel that the pain of the loss is hard to live with, and you may feel you’re inconveniencing other people and complicating their lives because of your feelings and needs.

Anger and bargaining. At this stage, one may lash out at others, from God, your family or the loved one you’ve lost. One may find themselves telling God that you’ll do anything they ask if they’ll only turn the situation around.

Depression. This stage may be a period of isolation, sadness, and loneliness during which one processes and reflects on the loss.

The upward turn. At this point, feelings such as anger and pain have waned, and you’re left in a more tranquil state.

Reconstruction and working through. One begins to put pieces of their life back together and starts moving forward.

Acceptance and hope. This is an acceptance, however gradual, of the new situation, while feeling aware of future possibilities that are open and available.

Yet another model of the stages of grief was created by grief psychiatrist Colin Murray Parkes, who collaborated with John Bowlby to develop their four phases of grief theory. They understand grief to proceed thus:

Numbness. This allows a person to cope with the loss in its early stages. “This is unreal. I feel numb. This can’t be happening, can it?”

Searching and yearning. This includes a broad range of emotions such as anger, anxiety, uncertainty, guilt, sorrow, restlessness, and confusion. One searches for meaning and the reasons why the loss has happened. “I want to regain the comforting conviction that the world makes sense. Why has this happened? What does this mean?”

Despair and depression. One feels that everything is surreal and that nothing feels like it’s in its proper place. The person may desire to be isolated; they may withdraw from previously enjoyed activities, feel hopeless, and lose interest in self-care. “I’ve lost all hope. Things will never be the same again.”

Reorganization. One begins to acknowledge the reality of the loss, accepting that their old reality is gone forever. They begin to have increased energy and a revived interest in activities that bring them joy. They may still have moments of grieving, though they are moving on with life. “I will find ways to take this loss and our treasured memories and make them a part of who I am and how I live from here on out.”

Your journey is your own

Each of the ideas about the process of grief outlined above has at least one thing in common – these various stages or phases of grief don’t work linearly. In other words, you don’t move from one emotion or stage to the next, and then when you get to the other end you’ve magically worked through your grief.

Where your grieving begins, how long you remain in each stage of grief, what your next stage of grief looks like – all of these are unpredictable, and they differ from person to person. The above may, however, give you hooks on which to hang an understanding of what you or another loved one may be going through as they grieve. While there are similarities or things in common, each person’s journey through grief is unique.

Though the journey through grief is unique, one can be crippled by grief. William Worden, a Harvard University psychologist, produced a model that outlines four tasks of mourning that are designed to help a person work through their grief:

Acceptance that the loss has occurred, and it is irreversible.

Experiencing the pain, in which you work through the pain of grief by talking about and acknowledging the loss as well as how you feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Adjusting to the losses that accompany the primary loss, such as the loss of your family home, specific financial losses that might be incurred through the loss of a breadwinner for example, or the loss of identity in losing a loved one such as a spouse.

Letting go of what you’ve lost and instead focusing on investing your energy in life, activities, and relationships.

Find support and help for grief

Losing a loved one can leave you feeling vulnerable and at a loss. Grief is a journey you can undertake alone but grieving in community can help you process what you’re going through. Counselors at Beverly Hills Christian Counseling are available to help you navigate this journey.

Whether you speak with someone you trust such as a loved one, a spiritual advisor, or a grief therapist, you can find the support you need to help you through a difficult time. There are also grief support groups where others who are also grieving meet to share their stories and challenges, and support and encourage one another through what can be a lonely time.