How to Control Anger in a Relationship

The connection between two people can be gossamer thin, a fragile cord that binds two lives together. It’s not easy to make a meaningful connection with another person, to develop a working vocabulary that allows you to communicate effectively with each other, control anger, and to have a stock of experiences that have allowed you to build trust and share a positive regard toward one another.

When you find such a person, or make such a connection, whether as colleagues, or between siblings, or in an intimate romantic relationship, that is something to cherish deeply.

Beautiful things are also often fragile, like a butterfly’s wing or a fine piece of porcelain. Relationships can be both beautiful and fragile. There is little that can compare with a healthy and enjoyable relationship.

However, relationships can also be fragile, as something like an outburst of anger in which hurtful things are said can damage the relationship. Being able to control anger in a relationship can help you nurture a healthy relationship.

How anger affects a relationship.

Anger is a powerful emotion that can overwhelm you. Physiologically, when you get angry your mind is sharpened and focused as blood is pumped away from the gut and toward the muscles, as your body prepares for physical exertion.

You experience changes such as an increase in your heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration. Your body temperature rises, and you begin to perspire. If you’ve become angry before, you understand how anger can make you feel flushed, and it can make you have a bit of tunnel vision.

When you get angry, your body and mind are doing lots of things. Beyond a certain point, anger can make you react instinctively toward whatever you may perceive as a threat, even before you check whether what you’re doing is reasonable.

When the threat is another person, you can lash out at them, verbally or otherwise. Understanding the physiology of anger isn’t to suggest that we can’t control our anger or our behavior when we’re angry; we can, but we need to train ourselves to do so.

If then, you find yourself feeling angry, it can impact your relationship in several ways:

It can make it hard for you to listen.

Listening requires that you pause, slow down, and take things in. That’s the last thing the anger pulsing in you wants to do. This may be one reason why James writes, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1: 19-20, NIV).

You can say or do things you regret.

The tunnel vision that anger induces as well as the drive to do something can lead to you blurting the first thing you think of without filtering it first. Hurtful things can be said, and once they are, you can’t take them back.

You miss opportunities to resolve conflict.

One unhealthy way for anger to manifest is in silent treatment or other forms of passive-aggressive behaviors. Between this and bottling anger up, you can miss a vital opportunity to express your needs, enforce a boundary, or hold the other person accountable.

Anger alerts you that something isn’t right in the situation, and the healthy approach is to express it in a calm, assertive manner that doesn’t intimidate or belittle others.

How to control anger in a relationship.

It may be tempting to think of anger as the bad guy. The solution to dealing with anger isn’t to avoid it at all costs or to pretend that it doesn’t exist. Rather, having a healthy relationship with anger means acknowledging it and expressing it in ways that are clear but respectful of others. Some ways to control anger in a relationship include the following:

Having a positive regard for anger.

Anger has its place among our emotions. It can let us know when one of our boundaries has been violated, such as if we’re being taken advantage of or being made fun of. Anger alerts you to this, but what you do with it is what counts most.

Understanding your triggers.

We are wired differently, and that means what angers us will also differ. Some people can’t stand others who are late because their time is a significant boundary and value for them. Others don’t mind much either way.

When you know what bugs you, and what is likely to make you angry, you can prepare for your day or for specific situations where you may encounter these triggers. You can prepare yourself emotionally and mentally to deal with the aggravation.

Stay healthy.

Emotional health is tied to other aspects of your health, including whether you’re sleeping enough, getting enough exercise, and so on. You need an outlet for stress, and getting sleep helps your body unwind from the day’s stress.

Use anger management techniques.

Between breathing techniques, visualization, and other techniques to calm you down, you can slow yourself down enough that anger doesn’t push you to express it in unhealthy ways. You can calm yourself enough to choose your words carefully or simply walk away because right now isn’t the time to address it.

Seek help.

An anger management therapist can help you process your anger, including understanding where it comes from as well as techniques to cope with anger better. If anger is getting the better of you and affecting your relationships, reach out to an anger management therapist to walk with you as you learn how to control anger for the sake of your relationships.