How to Control Anger as a Parent: 9 Principles to Remember

You may have considered yourself to be a patient person until God blessed you with children, and you soon realized you had emotions that you never knew existed. Indeed, an unmatched depth of love and responsibility; but also, record-high levels of frustration and anger, and you had not learned how to control anger.

How to Control Anger as a Parent: 9 Tips

How to control anger is often discussed in other contexts – in the workplace, in toxic relationships, or in strained family situations, but the confession of anger in parenting often flies under the radar. It’s not something we want to talk about openly, perhaps because of the sense of shame it might induce. And yet, to some extent, anger is prevalent in almost every home. If you are striving to learn how to control anger around your kids, consider these nine principles:

1. See anger for what it is.

Anger is a God-given emotion that gives us the energy to protect someone else or ourselves, or to act against injustice. When Jesus acted out in anger against the Pharisees, it is because he could perfectly discern what is right and wrong.

Sadly, as sinful humans, our anger is very seldom righteous but typically springs from pride, or from having our desires obstructed in some way. Being caught up in traffic, waiting in an excessively long queue, or, in the case of parenting, being triggered by the immature behaviors of our children, can cause anger to well up inside us.

2. Recognize that sinning when angry is the issue.

In the Bible, God makes it clear that it is not anger that is the problem, it’s the sin that so often accompanies this emotion. In Ephesians 4:26, the apostle Paul commands: “In your anger do not sin”; so when we are learning how to control anger around our children, it is the response to our anger that counts.

There are numerous examples in Scripture where the destructive nature of erupting in loud outbursts or using harsh words is emphasized. Proverbs 12:18 “Mother and Daughter”, Courtesy of Sofatutor, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; warns that “there is one whose words are like sword thrusts…” and James 1:19 instructs us that every person should be “…slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

3. Discover how anger points to a problem to solve.

The emotion of anger has been given to us to attack a problem, not a person. In this way, it can be helpful in terms of thinking about how to control anger when parenting – when an insolent nine-year-old daughter rolls her eyes and turns her heel on her mother, or a toddler scratches a friend who has a prized toy, the anger felt is valid – disrespectful behavior and a violent response are not part of God’s way of holy living.

God calls us to train and discipline our children, and if we fail to call out their disobedience, we are being negligent in our parental responsibilities. Too often we take the behavior personally or see it as a formal accusation of our parenting skills, and that is when the desire to lash out is stirred up. Wise parents can learn to use this anger as an indicator that there is a problem that needs a solution.

4. Take time to cool off.

Being able to take a “time-out” as a parent and avoid an immediate response when triggered can be a lifesaver. It is probably the best practical strategy for how to control anger, and falls in line with the wise saying in Proverbs 12:16 (NIV) that says: “Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.”

When your child makes you see red, make a habit of removing yourself – go to the bathroom, go outside to get fresh air, or do whatever it takes to give yourself that time to take some deep breaths and regain composure. You will find that you will gain a clear head and be able to tackle the issue a lot more objectively if you allow for that small window of distance.

5. Grow in self-control.

Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the fruit of the spirit is self-control, amongst other godly characteristics. As these gifts are given by God, if we feel we are struggling to put them into practice, we need only ask the one who gave them to help us.

Being able to know how to control anger means praying for God’s help and also actively “putting on” the God-honoring habit of being able to exercise self-restraint in the heat of the moment. When we do this, we can trust that God will do the work of growing us to be more like him, and we will find that we have more self-control when responding to our children.

6. Replace shaming words with empathy.

When we are angry, comments like: “How could you be so…?” or “Will you ever get this right?” etc. gush easily from our mouths. To children (and adults alike), they are extremely damaging as they produce shame. In addition to the emotional hurt, they certainly do not motivate a person toward action or improvement and do not reflect the love of Christ.

When we know how to control anger, we can ask questions that address the heart of the matter and open up the conversation. For example: “It looks like you made a bad choice there, would you like to talk more about what’s going in your heart right now?” Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) says: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” How incredible to be able to transform a situation from one of shame to one of healing and life.

7. Repent and apologize.

When we erupt in anger at our children, we must apologize to them when we’ve calmed down. This is not a sign of weakness but far from it – we are modeling to our kids that we are sinners, just like them, and when we make mistakes, we need to make amends.

We also need to repent of the sinful anger and ask God for his forgiveness. This will help us to banish any parental guilt; an emotion that is largely unhelpful and unproductive.

8. Learn to let go.

Just as we learn to forgive ourselves for our angry outbursts, and don’t hold onto the guilt, so we need to also learn to let go of various scenarios that evoke an angered response. Children are childlike, and sometimes our expectations of their behavior and character traits are just too high. We need to pray and ask God how we can “loosen up” as parents to get a better grip on how to control anger.

9. Learn from others.

God made us to live in community with one another, sharing burdens and helping each other navigate things like parenthood together. Titus instructs the “older women to teach the younger women” and there is much we can learn from the generation that’s gone before us.

As “angry parents”, we need to open up and let our community know that we are struggling. In the same way, it’s important to reach out to those who don’t know how to control anger and to come alongside them in their parenting journey.

Every parent goes through phases of being angered with their children. It is important to remember that this pattern should not be normalized but rather seen as something that requires attention and God’s help.

Bear in mind that there are also levels of anger, and if you find yourself in a situation where your anger could lead to violence or abuse, it’s critical to get professional help immediately. A licensed Christian counselor would be able to provide input and hold you accountable for getting to a place where your home is a safe space, and no one feels threatened.