How a History of Abandonment Can Lead to Relationship Issues

Abandonment is one of humanity’s deepest fears. No matter how or when it happens or who is the culprit, abandonment is painful and damaging. It can wreak havoc on one’s relationships, so it is a topic that should not be ignored. This article will discuss different forms of abandonment and the issues it causes in later relationships.

Definition

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, abandonment means:

: To give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in

: To withdraw protection or support from

Different Types of Abandonment

Physical

Physical abandonment is when someone leaves you, literally. If a parent leaves the family, if a spouse leaves in the car during an argument, if a friend leaves someone at a location because he is angry – these are all examples. Someone walks away from you for the short term or the long term. This is what many people think of when they speak of abandonment.

Emotional

Emotional abandonment is when someone stops being available to you emotionally. A spouse stops talking to you at night about your day; a friend chooses new friends; a parent does not attend to your emotions and “checks out” but is still around – these are examples. Emotional abandonment is just as (if not more) painful as physical abandonment.

Types of Threats

Though someone guilty of this may not consider this a form of abandonment, it is. Constant threats of leaving are a way to manipulate the other person into doing what the other wants. It is a form of control and induces fear.

Temporary

Sometimes people leave others (emotionally or physically) for short periods, and then “return.” A spouse gets mad in an argument and leaves for several days, a friend stops talking to a person but then decides to be friends again, a father drinks too much and is unavailable that evening when his family needs him- these are examples. The problem with this is that the inconsistency is confusing, and one never knows what to expect with another.

Permanent

This is when someone leaves permanently and does not return. This could be emotionally or physically, and many would rather abandonment happen this way so that they can grieve and move forward instead of oscillating between the confusion of threats and inconsistency.

Phased Out

This happens when someone gradually cuts another out of his life without explanation. The other wonders what is happening and why but is never told. A friend that stops talking to you more over time, a spouse that takes less and less time off resulting in no time with you, a girlfriend who slowly stops answering your calls, a boss who begins giving you less responsibility and eventually lets you go- these are examples.

How Does Abandonment Affect Relationships?

Being abandoned can have lasting negative effects on one’s mental, spiritual, emotional, and even physical health. Below are some of the ways that it affects one’s relational health.

Need for control

When bad things happen that feel out of control, it often produces the opposite in people: a need for control in every area of life. It needs to be this person’s decision. This person is someone who sets the rules, the limits, and the schedules for others.

A girlfriend that breaks up her boyfriend before he has the chance to break up with her, a friend who makes the plans and gets upset when plans are broken, a mother who micro-manages her household – these are examples.

The need for control is the need to feel safe, and control for people who have been abandoned feels safe. “Safe” others proved unsafe, and so they will seek ways to feel safe and secure. If they can be in control, they are under the illusion that things will be fine.

Withdraws easily

If a person only has seen others withdraw from them, then he will inevitably withdraw, too. It is a learned behavior, and it becomes a difficult habit to break. To protect himself from hurt, conflict, or discomfort, he withdraws or leaves just as he has seen with his loved ones.

Often this withdrawal is not with the intent to harm another, but sometimes it can be. There are times when a short-term withdrawal can be effective to stay calm or think about something further, but routine withdrawal is unhealthy.

Ends relationships when they get hard

This is similar to withdrawal but in a more permanent way. When relationships get tough (and they will), this person will struggle to remain. This is not to say he should remain if situations are abusive, but in general, this person does not want to be hurt and exits before the hurt can happen.

This could be in work, friendships, romantic relationships, volunteer work, or parenting. Again, some relationships need to be ended, but often people who have been abandoned cannot determine the difference and end them all.

Lack of trust

It makes sense that someone would struggle with this when hurt. It is a natural human reaction, but it can keep people out of great relationships because of the past hurt in abandonment. They fear all people at some point will abandon them, and so they put up walls to protect themselves from it happening again.

To trust is one of the most sacred things they will ever do. They will place high expectations on others whom they trust, and low expectations of those they do not. They will also struggle to forgive others when they do hurt them.

Isolation

Because they do not trust others and have been hurt more than once, they do the only thing that makes sense – they choose to be in no relationships. They choose to be alone.

They keep everyone at arm’s length or further, letting no one in to get to know them and be in a relationship with them. They see this as the simplest way because relationships are “too complicated”, but what happens is they become depressed and have no one to support them.

Poor self-worth

When people are abandoned, they wrestle with thoughts such as, “What did I do wrong? Why does this person hate me? Am I not good enough for them to stay? They did not love me enough to stay.”

These thoughts will do damage to someone’s sense of self-worth. They believe they are not worthy of love or belonging. They even believe that they deserved to be left behind. In relationships, this manifests itself as constant insecurities about how the other feels about them. They will also have a deep fear of more abandonment, sometimes to an irrational degree.

Poor boundaries

When people are in situations of inconsistent forms of abandonment, they begin to struggle with setting boundaries. They let others treat them unfairly and leave when they want to. They struggle to set clear limits and stick to them. These are often people who fear the loss of someone’s love, so they will sacrifice their own needs and feelings to keep the other person around.

Though these forms of abandonment and the relational health results seem dire, nothing is impossible to overcome. If you find yourself struggling in these ways, it may be time to seek counseling or express what is going on with a wise mentor.

Christian Counseling for Abandonment Issues

A counselor can help move you to a place of healing from past hurt and growth in present struggles so that you can have fulfilling, meaningful relationships in your life. Relational hurt was never a part of God’s original design.

It is time to be honest with Him about your fears and how you feel about others and yourself. It is time to remember that you are not alone, you are loved, you are valued, and that He will not leave you. It is time to open your heart to others and work toward forgiveness. It is scary and risky, but deep connection is worth the risk.