Help for Your Relationship Problems

Why is it that some relationships are full of joy and mutual enjoyment, where others are an ongoing battle, full of relationship problems and issues which just cannot seem to be resolved?

God made us in His image to be in a relationship with Him and sent His Son Jesus to die to restore that relationship when it was broken, so it is not surprising that healthy relationships rank highly on our list of what is needed to make life meaningful.

The Bible makes it clear in Matthew 22 that the first most important thing in life is knowing and loving God. “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” (Matthew 22:37-38), and the second is our relationships with others “And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39).

It is therefore not surprising that in a world corrupted by sin and brokenness, that we experience relationship problems of all shapes and sizes, with our spouses, children, family members, friends, colleagues – all the neighbors that we regularly come into contact with. Is there hope for these hard relationships and where can it be found?

The standard is set

The Bible teaches us how we are to conduct ourselves in relationships and provides wisdom on how to go about putting this into practice. Some key verses on this subject include:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-15

Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. – 1 Peter 3:8

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. – John 13:34

Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. – John 13:14

Jesus is our example of how to relate to others. His character qualities included compassion and kindness (Matthew 9:36; 14:14), humble and gentle (Matthew 11:29), patience, and forgiveness (1 Peter 2:23; Luke 23:34). As we learn to put on these qualities, we are putting on the Lord Jesus (Romans 13:14) and becoming more like Him.

As sinners, our relationship problems often stem from our natural inclinations toward pride and selfishness. We are easily angered, and quick to harbor grudges. In chapter 4 of his letter, James asks the question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1).

He responds to this rhetorical question by saying, “You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (James 4:2-3).

The First Step Toward Healthy Relationships

It is a hard knock to realize that many of our relationship problems start with us. Our default position is to see people as either a vehicle towards our desires (in which case, we do not struggle with them) or as an obstacle standing in the way of us getting what we want, whether it be recognition in the workplace, comfort, affection, approval – the list goes on as our hearts idolize the good things God has given over the Giver, Himself.

But the good news is that humbling ourselves and “taking the plank out of your eye” before removing the “speck from your brother’s eye” (Luke 6:42) is the first step towards reconciliation.

Certainly, relationships depend on both parties and no matter how hard we try to root out the sin in our hearts, we may find another person difficult and unwilling, or unable, to take a step back and see themselves as playing an active part in the tensions.

The apostle Paul acknowledges this in Romans 12:8 when he says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Sometimes, no matter what you do, some people are hard to get along with. But even if some relationships never improve, if you relate to others in a way that promotes peace, most of your relationships will be healthy.

This is strong medicine to take because it means killing all personal immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed (Colossians 3:5). You have got to put aside all anger, wrath, malice, slander, abusive speech, and lying (Colossians 3:8-9). And the core reason for doing this is not for the sake of the relationship itself (though this is a worthy goal) but because of how God has so graciously chosen and loved us.

The Role of Christian Counseling for Relationship Problems

While only the Holy Spirit can change us and truly help us to enjoy healthy relationships, if you are navigating a difficult situation, Biblical counseling can be of great benefit. An experienced, appropriately qualified counselor can walk alongside you as you peel back the layers of emotion, hurt, and resentment that often result from deep-seated relationship problems.

If the issues are between a husband and wife, Christian marriage counseling can provide the space for spouses to unpack their differences, and, if equally committed to improvement, devise a course of action to restore the struggling relationship.

In addition to addressing heart issues, Christian counseling can help to improve some of the basic cornerstones of solid relationship building. This includes things like:

Emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict.

It commonly features attributes of self-management (ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, adapt to changing circumstances, etc.), self-awareness (recognizing your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior; knowing your strengths and weaknesses), social awareness (empathy and understanding other people’s emotions, needs and concerns) and relationship management (knowing how to develop and maintain good relationships).

Communication

This includes verbal communication (how words are spoken, or written to others), and non-verbal communication (such as body language, facial gestures, and tone and pitch of voice). Some estimates suggest that around 70-80% of communication is non-verbal! Communication also includes listening skills – the ability to accurately receive and interpret messages in the communication process.

Conflict management

Conflict management is the process for handling disputes and disagreements. Just as tools and strategies for effective conflict management are used in business, a couple, or individuals who are unable to see eye to eye can learn how to adopt healthier conflict management techniques, which can be of great benefit in the move towards healthier relationships.

Boundaries

A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. They can be physical, mental, or emotional and effectively give us the freedom to set limits on how we give out our time, love, energy, or money to others. Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle as opposed to being governed by guilt and fear.

If you have a relationship in your life which you are struggling to improve, Christian counseling can provide relationship advice to help you assess where things are going wrong and why. Many of our perspectives and reactions are so ingrained (from behavior modeled to us by parents and other influential figures when growing up) that it is helpful for an outsider to weigh in with their objective stance, and guide us towards restoration.