Family Counseling: A Biblical Basis for Confronting Unhealthy Patterns of Generational Sin

What is more important than family? This is a difficult question to answer because beyond your personal relationship with Jesus and your commitment to the church, few things in life trump the importance of family. Considering this, you would think that family counseling would be more common, but it is not.

Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children. – Proverbs 17:6

The importance of family is evident in culture. Christmas movies focus on brothers and sisters sitting around a feast during the holidays. Sitcoms are filled with loving moms and quirky dads to make you laugh. Even the car commercials use sassy grandparents to sell you on the safety of their cars. The importance of family is ingrained into the culture.

The practice of family counseling makes perfect sense. If the family is a primary value, we must accept it as worth fighting for. Unfortunately, a stigma remains around family counseling. It’s as if the culture is saying, “Family is of utmost importance, but you can’t get help if you are struggling. Opening up to get help would compromise your family’s perfect image, so you better figure this out yourself.”

This catch-22 of needing to have a perfect family without being able to get professional help can leave many families in a vicious cycle. Family counseling can break the cycle.

Is Family Counseling Biblical?

The Bible is littered with passages about the importance of family. Here is a brief selection of passages highlighting families:

Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children. – Proverbs 17:6

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. – Psalm 127:3-5

Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart. – Colossians 3:18-21

A Biblical Idea of Family

These verses make it clear that family relationships are especially important. Parents and children are intended to be proud of one another. Families are expected to treat each other fairly and lovingly. Scripture even lays out some specific ways that families are to relate in order to best actualize these ideals.

While the Bible values family, it also recognizes that not all, if any, families will achieve these ideals. Sin has marred all of creation, and family is no different. The Old Testament is filled with stories of family conflict. From Isaac and Esau fighting over the family blessing to Joseph being betrayed by his brothers, no family in the Bible is without its flaws.

What is Generational Sin?

One repeated theme throughout the Bible is generational sin. For example, consider this passage from Scripture:

“The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, ‘The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.'”  – Exodus 34:6-7

At the end of a marvelous, grace-filled declaration of who God is, comes a startling promise that he will not clear the guilty but will allow the sin of a father to be passed down to his children.

While this sounds vindictive or extreme, it makes sense. Sin corrupts everything it touches. One day, Jesus will return and make all things new, but until that day the corruption remains. This corruption exists in different forms such as unhealthy patterns of relating, communicating, and coping with pain.

It is important to recognize that the passed down sins are forms, patterns, or tendencies. Children are not literally punished for the actions of their parents, but instead are held accountable for when they choose to follow their parents’ sinful ways.

For example, in Exodus 20:5 God says, “I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me.” He is not punishing the children for their father’s hate, but for the fact that they also hate Him. This tendency or pattern of hate is passed down through the family.

This is a critical point because it recognizes that generational sin can be broken. It’s not that children are powerless to experience freedom from the sins of their father and mother, but freedom will require breaking the patterns of generational sin.

Breaking the Hold of Generational Sin through Family Counseling

Since generational sin is a reality, it is important to consider how to break free from its power. Otherwise, it will exist unchecked wreaking havoc in your life.

Identifying the Problem

Family issues are nearly limitless since each family is unique. However, some common problems seem to transcend family structures and serve as important warning signs:

• Difficult communicating with each other
• Behavioral issues in children
• Unclear roles between children and parents
• Struggling as a parent
• Improper sexual orientation
• Trauma or grief
• Divorce
• Addiction

These are common things that bring people into family counseling and often are connected to patterns established by your family of origin. Once you know what you need to address, then you can move to the next step.

Confronting the Issue

The next step is to confront the issue. While it’s tempting to wait and hope for the problem to resolve itself, it will not. Instead, the longer you let the issue fester the more and more destructive it will become. It is better to beat the problem to the punch and deal with it directly.

Sometimes an honest family discussion will do the trick. This is especially true for generally healthy families who are willing to participate in honest discussion, own their mistakes, and work toward reconciliation. In these circumstances, all that may need to take place is a crucial family conversation.

However, most families don’t have the space for this sort of talk, and a conversation like this will go very, very poorly. For these situations, family counseling will be necessary.

A family counselor will create a safe space and set important ground rules for the interaction. They will mediate the discussion and help everyone to be respected and heard. If the situation is volatile enough, the counselor may choose to meet individually with family members before orchestrating a full family conversation.

The counselor will guide you and your family as you express your emotions and needs. This may be a painful process, but it will eventually lead to healing and restoration.

Establishing New Ways of Relating

Once you’ve had the hard conversation, your counselor will help you develop new patterns of relating. This will require the participation of your whole family. But once you can outline new patterns for your family, you can begin practicing them and stepping into greater health.

Again, this will take time. You will sometimes slip back into your old ways of relating, the way you learned in your family. But, over time, you will be able to adjust to new ways of existing as a family and move beyond your generational sin.

Conclusion

Generational sin is a reality found in the Bible and a reality in many families. It will exist to greater and lesser degrees, but many families will need to face it eventually. If you are concerned about the health of your family, then it is important to address the issue sooner rather than later. Feel free to reach out to a family counselor today to begin your road to healing.