Doing Relationships Well: Relationship Advice for Men

Many things make up our lives in the 21^st century. Our jobs, the technology that surrounds us and permeates every aspect of our lives, our various relationships, hobbies, and other preoccupations.

In the bustle of everyday life, we constantly make choices about what we’ll spend time on, what we’ll emotionally invest ourselves into, how we’ll eat and drink (and with whom) and so much more. These choices impact how we make our way through the world – who we become and the legacy that person will leave behind.

Of the many aspects of the lives of modern men, relationships sometimes get short shrift. By “relationships,” we mean those connections with people outside of the workplace. The image of the 1950’s man who doesn’t change his children’s diapers or cook has long since ceased to be representative of most men. Stay-at-home dads and emotionally present partners aren’t unicorns.

What is probably still true is that not enough conversations happen among men and regarding men about navigating personal relationships. Talking sincerely about personal relationships has a lingering stigma that disassociates it with typical man-talk, so it never hurts to talk more about relationship advice for men in an effort to help men be better at them.

Beyond those important work relationships, closer to home other relationships require attention. We are fundamentally relational beings – as creatures made in God’s image, relationships are a key part of what makes us human.

To be fully human, our various relationships need our attention and nurture. How then do we go about it? Below are a few key anchor points regarding relationship advice for men in order to ground all our relationships and help men make the most of every relationship that forms part of their lives.

Relationship Advice for Men: Anchor Points

Root your relationships in your relationship with God.

A Christian from ages past wrote this prayer in his memoir: “You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in You.” There are deep wells of truth here.

Human beings were made to be in relationship with God, and from God, we get our sense of purpose, values, and grounding for what it means to live a worthwhile life. Our other relationships are given shape by this relationship.

Another way of looking at it is like this – our relationship with God helps to keep our other relationships going and in their right place. God is like the sun in our solar system; everything rotates around the sun and is kept in its proper orbit. Without that center, things can easily fall apart or get disordered.

Knowing who God is helps keep us from idolizing our work for example because we know that our work is not the be-all and end-all. Also, God gives us direction on how we are to love others in our lives, and what real love looks like. Investing in your relationship with God means taking steps such as regular reading of the Bible and prayer, being an active member in a spiritual community, and taking ownership of your spiritual growth.

Take your personal relationships seriously.

Flowing from this first point, our relationships are important, and they ought to be taken seriously. This varies depending on the relationship. For example, taking your relationship with your young children seriously means taking the time out to invest in them and nurture them, by playing with them, teaching them how to play a sport, listening to them and so much more.

Taking your marriage seriously as a man means taking the time to know your wife, serving her, giving her your undivided attention, meeting her needs, helping around the house and with the kids, and so on. Your friendships also require you to invest in them and seek what’s best for your friends.

One proverb says, “There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother”. If you’re in a relationship but not yet married, look for ways to preserve your partner’s integrity, honor your promises, and be reliable.

Be honest and upstanding.

One of the main foundations for a flourishing relationship is trust. Without trust, it’s hard to know where you stand with someone. Being the kind of person who is trustworthy and tells it like it is helps people to know where they stand with you.

Being honest isn’t always easy, as you’ll often find yourself in situations where people want you to twist the truth and not stand up for what is right. It can happen in business if your employer wants you to fudge the truth about a product; it can happen in relationships when your friend wants to coopt you in a lie to his wife.

These and many other tough choices require us to know who we are and what we stand for. If we are for comfort and what is convenient, then we can easily be blown about by every wind of controversy without standing for anything. Being a man of integrity is hard in this world.

We live in a warped and crooked world where dishonesty seems like the wise course to get ahead, but we must think about the long-term view, both here and in eternity. Being accountable and keeping others accountable are not easy tasks. Going through with what you promised, even if it’s hard, is another sign of integrity that blesses your relationships. It means that you’re reliable and people can count on you.

Confess your faults.

It is a sure thing that we will sin in our relationships. The question is what we will do about it. Some men cover up their faults; others are convinced they have no faults, and so have nothing to confess.

If we are honest and sober minded about ourselves, we will admit that we aren’t perfect, that we’ve messed up in one way or another. Being able to see that clearly and own up to it is one of the more courageous things a man can do.

Whether it’s with your wife, girlfriend, friends, or co-workers, being able to humbly own your mistakes produces relationships shot through with humility and room for growth. Often, when people can’t admit fault, conflicts escalate and remain unresolved. Taking the first step toward acknowledging where you fall short can open a path toward reconciliation and conflict resolution.

Be willing and eager to forgive.

As much as we know that we aren’t perfect, when we encounter imperfection in others, being willing and eager to forgive ought to mark men. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” says the Apostle Paul in one of his letters to Christians.

Having been forgiven our sins, we know what it means to be forgiven people, and God gives us the grace to forgive others and not hold grudges. Vengeance plays on our all-too-human emotions and the desire to “get even,” and that keeps us holding grudges and withholding forgiveness. The commands, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil…Do not take revenge…but leave room for God’s wrath” stretch us beyond our human capacities.

We want to take matters into our own hands and see justice done, but often human anger does not lead to the righteous life God requires of us. Forgiveness in relationships keeps those relationships from falling apart, and it keeps resentment at bay.

Be open to learning as much as you teach.

In the various relationships that we are a part of, there is much we can contribute for the sake of others. Whether it’s our time, our various gifts, our resources, when we invest ourselves in relationships we can contribute significantly to the flourishing of others.

Many of us enjoy being in the position of givers. Being a recipient, on the other hand, is tough for most people. But for a relationship to thrive, it can’t be one-sided, and we can’t assume that we are the ones who give, teach, and assist without holding the possibility that we should remain open to receive, be taught, and get assistance.

Depending on one’s socialization, many men assume that they should have all the answers in a given situation. This can cause a lot of problems, including forging ahead on important decisions because of ‘expectations’ around decisiveness and landing on poor decisions.

Being willing to learn not only contributes to better decisions, it also actively prevents bad decisions from being made in ignorance. Openness and humility position us to receive from others. Wisdom can come from anywhere, including your own children or your subordinates at work. We are all better off with more wisdom.

Relationships can be complex things. Navigating this world as men requires deep wells of godly wisdom, humble hearts that are open to the promptings of the Spirit, learning from others, and being willing to own up to mistakes. Being that sort of man isn’t an easy row to hoe but thank the Lord that He doesn’t leave us without guidance and support to get it done.

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